Make Nice With Fear
Here I am, attempting to make nice with fear.
Our relationship has been a persistent one, at best. Persistent in the way, like a monkey on my back, I have grown tired and weary of having to lug it around all the time. Persistent also in the way that I have allowed its power to be consumptive and over-ruling.
And yet, like any other toxic relationship, until you reach that point where enough is enough and you are willing to truly look both at and inside yourself, then in the dark naivety you shall remain.
Which is where I find myself now. At the beginning of the year I made a conscious decision to do two things differently: To make me a priority and do the things that make me happy; and to make beautiful memories with and for my daughter .
To focus on experiences rather than materialistic “things”.
My theory is that children are far more clever than what we give them credit for, and by allowing them to experience different places and people, this can only whet their appetite so that they can continue to learn and embrace new and different surroundings.
So, this is me in my endeavour to give my daughter a role model she deserves. Someone who feels the fear and does it anyway. Someone who finally put her money where her mouth is, so to speak. I feel compelled to do this so I can grow in every humanistic way and as wanky as it sounds, use every gift I’ve been given on this planet.
Regret is not something I want to openly invite into my life.
Hence today, hence now, hence this. My writing has always been a form of therapy for me. The sheer notion of sharing my words and prying myself open sends my vulnerability scale off the charts. Sky high. Deep-pit-stomach kind of stuff. But getting uncomfortable pushes our personal boundaries, that is undeniable, therefore the benefits outweigh the risks.
Forgive me, and bare with me, as I realise this is not new information nor (clearly not) am I any kind of expert in it. What I do know is that in my 35 years on this planet, I am only really ready to dance with this devil now and while I have always considered myself a late bloomer, my sentiment is purely one of learning.
The only competition I have is with myself, for this is not a race. I am now a scholar of fear. For she can lead me to great things I know. That is, of course, provided I get out of my own way long enough to let her. However, what’s that saying about holding your friends close?